Monday, February 1, 2010

Ijj aal well?

Close your eyes. Visualize your high school days. Remember the tutions, the homework and they late night studying. Now gently, whisper ... IIT

IIT. Dreams. Aspirations. Thrill. Enthusiasm. Thirst for knowledge, the strife for perfection and the leap of achievement.

And four years down the line, the adjectives change deceptively. Disillusionment. Dissatisfaction. Frustration. Aversion to books, antagonistic towards labs, antipathy to education and the anathema that is college life. What went wrong? What indeed went so wrong in so short a time?

Being on the student side of the stile of educational hierarchy, I have a tendency to speak for those among whom I stand. Granted, we are no less. IIT'ians and rockets are known to work only when their a**es are on fire. We don't study, we plagiarize projects, bunk classes even at high noon and sleep through labs. Surely there could not have been a more unruly and indisciplined lot than us. We are the paragon of bohemianism, irreverence personified and the epitomes of inconsistency.

But did they expect anything else? When they hand-picked 5000 of India's 5-lakh strong high-school population, did they expect us to be "normal"? Would an 18 year old boy prefer to go to a class or to the nearest fast food joint? Would a 19 year old girl prefer to measure titre values or watch the sunset hand-in-hand with her boyfriend? Would a young innovator rather slog over bookish formulae after a tiresome night of trying to perfect his automated door-lock than sleep?
Why were we expected to be so conventional after the selection procedure so meticulously filtered out only the mavericks?

Well, we were ready to go through that too. If I remember correctly, not a SINGLE student had bunked any class on the first day he came to IIT. Nobody had failed to try his/her level best to blaze through the first mid-semester examination at IIT. Nobody had manipulated lab results the first day they tried their hands at something in the lab. We were ready. Ready to give our best shot. Our most sincere hard work.

But they destroyed that too. They were so bad at what they were supposed to do, that within a matter of a couple of weeks they convinced people it was not worthwhile going to classes. They lost the most dedicated and sincere audience they could ever have by their extravagantly limpid demonstration of the fact that they themselves did NOT LOVE what they were doing, and that they were MISERABLE with their own lives. They made it clear that the objective of engineering was to write and solve equations, often without bothering about what they really meant or how they could be put to some practical use. They impressed upon us that lab experiments HAD TO give the same results that they expected, because they were not smart enough to explain what went wrong. Your answers had to be what "pleased" their aesthetic sense, else it was wrong. And when little boys and girls wept behind closed doors in their rooms after the mid-semester massacre, nobody came to tell them that there was always a second time. Or a third or fourth. The judgement had been taken. In a matter of 2 months, you went from being an IITian to a nobody. And the tag stuck on. It just went on, education for the sake of filling your notebooks.

The poison thus insinuated spread like wild conflagration. The smartest minds of the nation broke down under the curse of neglect, misjudgment and plebeian channelization. Friends rifted into "nerds" and "dudes" (which was primarily anchored around your CPI). The hurt sentiments of snuffed out hope resorted to extra academics, more often to feel the recognition, sense of achievement and success which they had been deprived of, than for the true love of it. But being exceptionally brilliant, they excelled at that too. They became extraordinary sportsmen, singers, artists and dramatists, or revived the talents admonished at home and long forgotten under the onerous piles of notes that symbolizes education today. They organized the best known fests in Asia and made the whole continent shake up and take notice of IIT for reasons people really had not expected in the first place.

Surprisingly, they did not like it. They never joined in the merriment, although they were certainly not THAT old. When boys and girls shook their legs on the dance floor, they arched their eyebrows and questioned their moral standards. When youngsters ran away from mess food they barricaded the gates to tie them in. When boys turned in late for class after having spent hours trying to organize the same events for which they boasted to their peers elsewhere, they rudely turned them out for indiscipline. When students enthusiastically displayed working models, they asked for theory, and when students worked out new principles, they asked for application. The amusement went a step further when the same people who quarreled with their families every evening at home attempted to counsel those whose minds had not been clouded by age. And all their noble motives suddenly vaporized into thin air when a student died from lack of timely medical attention.

And at the end of it all, when the thoroughly demotivated and frustrated population took up jobs in finance, went to management schools and to foreign universities hoping for a more intellectually stimulating environment, they put up another laughable show of ironic chicanery. To the new entrants, they showed placement statistics - they are lucrative figures anyway. To the government and newspapers, they fretted about the lack of technical bent in the minds of the youth and the brazen craze for wealth. And to the parents, they wondered why people are in such a hurry to leave the country for good. Only deep within they knew that there was only one answer to it all, a finger pointing back at themselves.

Why was this done to us? We had come here, honestly, to learn, and to make India proud. We were methodically subdued and demoralized and discouraged in every way possible. Why were we cheated and deprived? Why was our creativity nipped in the bud? Why were the erudite forced to reduce themselves to the pedestrian?

And when next time I hear a grandiloquent speech describing how we are wasting our parent's and the taxpayer's money, how ignorant we are and how hopelessly inadequate our knowledge is compared to those who strive to maintain the "sanctity of IIT", I wish to stand up and say "You may be a great man, and I may know nothing. But I have a right to live and be happy. You have already robbed me of too much, don't you dare take this away from me too."

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Days of College

As our stint at IIT nears its final hours, lets spend a little time recollecting all the wisdom this great institution has infused into us over the brief period for which we were available to her as guinea pigs (pun fully intended). The following is a brief summary of what all we went through in the various courses. I am sure many will find comfort, and the less fortunate in terms of JEE selection might feel less deprived, while their parents might wonder what good the people's taxes did for the training of the "creme de la creme" of the Indian intelligentsia.

CHEMISTRY: (the subject where GAY Lussac made some name for himself)

1. Student: Sir I cant see what you are writing on the board
[Prof walks up to his place, and takes his prespective..]
Prof: Oh no no, it eej all right.. there must be something wrong with your ass (thats how some people say eyes)
Backdrop: How did you know?

2. Prof towards sleeping student: Eh you!! Yees yees you!! ...
[Student does not wake up despite prof's calling, clapping and banging of desks. Prof goes up and shakes him awake]
Student: Gaa??? Umm.. err... hhhh...
Prof: Eh whatte?? I am doing thisa thisa (clapping replay) then doing thisa thisa (banging replay) and you stilla sleepinga??

Epilogue: Is it surprising that nobody gets Ex in Chemistry?

PHYSICS: (I should mention here, despite idiosyncrasies, this was one of the best profs we had)

1. Prof: So you see, this is this and that is that and that is this and this is that... clear??

2. [Lab viva]
Prof: Define "diffraction"
Student: Light comes into a hole, and then (spreading out the fingers of his palm) whoooooosh!!

Epilogue: Never mind, even Feynman did not understand Quantum Mechanics

MATHS: (Oh the horror)

1. [ Prof draws a bunch of arrows on the board, then encloses it within a membrane.. and proud announcement...]
Prof: This is a vector space...

2. Prof: It is very sad that you people cannot do a line integration properly. You only have to parametrize the function along the curve and then....
Student: Sir actually each time we hear "curve" we tend to get distracted. Please don't use such tantalizing language in the papers...

Epilogue: And you thought engineers were good at math?

MECHANICS: ("joint" entrance examination, literally)

1. Prof: Did you see the cricket match yesterday? They did not use the correct batting order.. that guy should have come first, he can deliver greater impulse on the ball, and his angles are also good...

Epilogue: Practical applications are welcome. But overdoses might boomerang.

ELECTRICAL LAB: (the land of the flying lab reports)

[Student hands lab report to prof. Whooosh!!! It whizzes past his left ear. Student hands today's circuit diagram. Whooosh again!!! It flies past his right..]
Student (terrified): Is everything wrong sir?
Prof: Oh no no, they are correct. But you are not wearing your shoes.

Epilogue: The lab should bear a placard saying "Catch Practice in Progress" while in session

MANPRO: (English, re-defined)

1. [Test in progress. A beautiful girl (rare, I know) is writing her answers. A prof creeps up to her ear, and seems to be about to whisper, when he suddenly blares out..]
Prof: WRITE YOUR NAME ON THE TOP OF THE ANSWER SHEET
(Reflection - there are better ways of getting to know a girl's name)

2. [The GOD of Manpro lab explaining fitting..]
Prof: Theech eeej a cheeejelll.... now whai uze theech cheejelll and not thaaaaaat cheejelll????
Students: What the hell did he say?

3. [Viva in progress]
Prof: What is the name given to the extra space that is left in a mould to allow it to be knocked out of the cast?
Student (excited): Sir sir, raping allowance!!!
Prof: Correct...
(Reflection - Indian Laws are unusally harsh on such intellectually enlightening activities)

4. [Student reflects on his welding work]
Student: Yaar, lagta hai koi thuuk diya hai plate pe...

Epilogue: Its no wonder why mechanical engineers make the best investment bankers. Kudos to Chetan Bhagat for having shown the path to salvation.

PROGRAMMING: (the HEAP of confusion)

Prof: Yes that doubt..... you asked... you see when you write programs...... big programs..... or small programs....... in C.... or some other language...... then........ you see........ ok I'll come to that later
[Students start clapping. Prof joins in. The zip of his trousers is treacherously positioned]

Epilogue: Despite all this, placement stats indicate that IIT should be renamed "Indian Institute of Coding and some other hopeless practices"

ENGLISH: (why??? just why????)

Prof: I know many students consider me to be permanently pregnant, but you need not have mentioned that in the feedback sheets...

Epilogue: Going by a survey on lab grading styles, people should probably be taught Bengali at IIT Kharagpur instead of English

FINANCE: (there are some things that money cant buy. this experience testifies it)

1. Prof: There are two sides to Finance - the left side and the right side.

2. Prof: M-A-N-G-O. How many WORDS? 5!!!!!!

3. Student1: Why is there a "Dic" drawn on the board?
Student2: Look it points towards investment
Student3: And cash inflow
Student1: I did not register for adult education... this ERP server is doing something wrong...

4. Prof: So vaat is Global Financial Crisis in your opinion?
Student: There are people who are rich and people who are poor. The rich one day decided to get richer quickly. They ended up joining the poor.
Student: Correct. Jost loik that mubhee, "Judai".. have you seen? It has good FONDA...

5. Prof: Finance deals with MORKETS... there is some JORGON you should remember... and if you have excess money, put it in a BONK...

6. Prof: It eej aal about taking rishk. No GOATS, no GLORY. Chhimpal.
(Reflection - A united, standing "Baaa" for this Golden truth)

Epilogue: Very soon, I'll forget how to manage my pocket money.

{Henceforth stories concentrate on the ordeal faced at Electronics Department. The partiality may be kindly forgiven}

NETWORKS: (rediscovering mathematics)

1. Prof: Of course!!! Product of two matrices is a real number!!! Did you not know?
[2 sleeping students wake up, and shake themselves at this unexpected enlightenment. In the meantime Prof discreetly works out a little example in one corner of the board]
Prof: Oh.... it looks something like a matrix.... we had better put a determinant sign (that way what I said remains true)

2. Prof: You!!! What-what-what-what-whaaaaaaat?????? Talking in class!!!!! You PLEASE get out!!!! No no you PLEAAAAAASEEEEE get out!!!!

Epilogue: I still fail to surmise why this course was necessary

SEMICONDUCTORS: (the pinnacle of comedy)

1. Prof: If you make a FET, all I shall do is shine some light on it.... then I shall say its a crappy FET... you poor soul

2. Prof: Oh dont sleep.... we are all trying.. (what? not to fall asleep?)

3. Prof: One day, many years ago, a student fell off the tower during ragging and died. Thats why you should normalize your eigenvectors.
(Refection - If anybody knows what this crypt meant, please mail me)

4. Prof: [pointing at the band diagram of a MOSFET] - of course this is a diode!!!

5. Prof: You cannot translate "daridra narayan seva" to English, and you are telling me you cannot understand bipolar transistors?
Student: Poor Vishnu Service. Now for my answer...

6. Prof: Where is your khaata?????
Gujju: At State Bank of India sir..

Epilogue: Applications are open for someone... anyone.. who can teach us a LITTLE bit about devices.

COMMUNICATIONS: (guilt and confusion - the deadly duo)

1. Prof: You yignorant yellows.. i mean fellows... wasting your parents money and the sanctity of the IIT degree
(Reflection - the noble thoughts were brought to us by the time we were past redemption)

2. Prof: [Solves some equation, and comes up with an equation which solves out to give resistance on one side and voltage on the other]
Ohh.. I must have made a mistake somewhere
Student: Kaunsi nayee baat hai...

3. [Lab... test in progress.. student connects the circuit and hooks up the oscilloscope. A total dust storm emerges on the scope]
Prof: Aaaahhhh!! It ij coming!!!
Student: Whaa???... Oh well... sure...

Epilogue: One more career option down. And I have forgotten coding. Allah utha le!!!

SIGNALS: (wireless philanthropy, delivered)

1. Student: Why did we get such poor marks Sir?
Prof [assumes a sagely appearance]: You see it is a fact of life, some people do well and some dont. In your case it a bit skewed, but that is part of life as well...

2. Student: What is the reason behind that assumption?
Prof: In many cases we do things just to make life simple...

3. [Lab viva]
Prof: Why is there a bandage on your hand?
Hitman: I was angry. I punched an iron railing.
Prof: Gaaa???? Please dont do anything like that during the viva, I'll ask easy questions

Epilogue: LG. Life is good. Too good to be true.

ANALOG CIRCUITS: (the sonorous prof syndrome)

1. Prof: We are organizing a cricket match. The teams will be named NMOS and PMOS
(Reflection - PMOS might lose due to lesser mobility)

2. Prof: It is amazing. Some students have confused between the Gate and the Drain of a transistor.

3. Prof: You are like a noije in the class... can you please get out? See either you leave or I leave...

4. Prof: Yesh, but what about the sheegnal shweeng??

Epilogue: Prof was good, provided you sit within hearing range. Which is not much.

DIGITAL CIRCUITS: (fear unlimited)

1. Student: Sir should we mention the exact specifications for this circuit?
Prof: Ore baba... no no, just write a little, I'll give you marks


(To be continued)

Saturday, December 19, 2009

I wish I never go back to my schooldays

There is a common saying among folks – “I wish I could get back to my schooldays!” The statement has its merit of course, and is, in all probability instigated by the now-incandescent faggots of friendship experienced during those “carefree” days, to be missed much in the later days of competition and cunning.

But if you look at it from my point of view, school was much more than friends, and very regrettably so. In what follows, I shall outline some of the worst horrors I faced in my school-life, which has emblazoned the belief in me that once school-life is done with, one should never look back at it.

To start off, it was the school timing. Some apothegm of some insomniac dictated that school kids should wake up early. And by early, I mean HELL early. My classes started at 7 am. The school bus came around 6, which meant that if you allowed some time for incoherently chewing a little breakfast, brushing your teeth and dressing up, and made suitable allowance for the inevitable grogginess at those wee hours, one should wake up at around quarter-past 5. Every day, every week, months on end, regardless of summer or winter or fog or rain. This is the closest to forced child labor I had gotten. At one point you feel like medieval farmhands, who woke up with the sun and started chaffing the hay and grooming the horses, with the exception that you of course would not burden your bed when the sun did – there was homework to be slogged on, and after that there was the insatiable urge to try and answer the questions on Kaun Banega Crorepati.

One should not be too comforted to think that one had the pleasure of being home by lunch. After lunch, when any sane human being would desire some rest, there were tuitions to be attended. Thankfully though, it was a home-delivery, and my teacher, expected to come at 2, would usually turn up at 3, when I would just start to get raw in the eyes. From 3 to 4 I dozed, and 5 onwards I stared out of window at those lucky ones playing the field. But no, the importance of education was too much. Majority of my childhood was starved of games, which could be a plausible explanation of my physique which suddenly decided to grow no more, much to my exasperation.

But the biggest irritation was what transpired during the school hours. I recall a few subjects in particular.

Firstly, there was Bengali (my vernacular). For a large part of my student life (except, thankfully, at the very end), I felt Bengali was total nonsense. There would be unnecessarily long prose pieces, stupid poetry, and of course, you were supposed to write answers on them. For some reason, the teachers decided that the more difficult and un-understandable your language was, the more it was praiseworthy. Where I would have willingly displayed what I understood of the pieces on the answer papers, they expected me to create counter-samples of literature in response. And state board schools have a notorious reputation of under marking students. I never managed anything above 50%, and the stalwarts whose answer papers would have ashamed the originals themselves, managed 60-65 at best. I was pretty convinced that if the teachers tried the stuff themselves, they would end up somewhere in the 40’s, and people of the stature of Rabindranath or Sharatchandra would probably accrue 70 after a while. Hence, I stopped paying attention for good. To my utter amusement, I still got the same marks.

Then there was the infamous torture called History. It was devoid of any logic whatsoever, and I have never been able to understand what wonders it would do to my life to memorize when some idiotic king woke up, when he felt the intense urge to run to the toilet and the like. Ancient history was full of such kings, whose ultimate aim in life seemed to keep fighting until they killed everyone in sight or died themselves. If someone reads ancient history, he will be mighty convinced that there did not exist any sort of people called “commoners”, you were either a king, or a dead king.

I liked medieval history, partly because I fancied about knights, castles and damsels in distress and partly because it acknowledged the existence of people who were not kings, who did boring stuff like cultivation, pottery and trade by the daylight, drank flagons of beer by dark, sang their hearts out on wooden benches of dilapidated taverns and made love to their ladies. Their stories were probably not very happy and definitely not glorious, but it was something you could relate to. I guess this disease of medieval fancies is there in most of us, and that’s why movies like The Lord of the Rings are such huge hits.

Modern history on the other hand took this “common man” phenomenon to extravagant proportions. It is so freaking full of stupid, egotistic and headless common men that you feel you are possibly living in the age with the minimum average IQ. Such is the intensity of commonplaceness that you find eager apotheosis of any guy who was slightly above average. It’s awesome, and makes you think whether you are worthy of equivalent fame. But it’s not good to write answers on, because while many of the dates are uncertain in ancient history, people are uncannily familiar with them in modern times, and the onus passes to you to carry the baton of wisdom.

Amazingly I liked geography. One reason could be that I liked the teacher, she was young and, at least I thought, beautiful. She had a wicked habit of giving notes in extraordinary detail though, and the margins of our books would be crammed with pencil writing. Physical geography, which dealt with planets and seasons and weather and erosion, somehow made sense if you took a limited number of things for granted, and so it seemed easy. Regional geography was irritating, and had too much to remember about countries I was sure never to end up in, but I liked maps and read them in unison, so it got over not too badly. Queerly enough, I never took tuitions in history or geography, while almost everyone else did. One subject seemed easy and the other was hell nonsense, so I reasoned it was a waste of money anyway.

Science subjects were generally interesting. Contrary to many, I found math not too bad, although the marks you would end up with at the examinations were rather arbitrary and sometimes freaked you out. But there was the relief that there were a limited number of things to be remembered, and most of the rest had to be figured out then and there, which was better than memorizing reams of nonsense. The board examinations, though, took math to a different level of commercialism, and books were full of problems where people would mix water in milk and sell it at a handsome pre-estimated profit, or of a water-tank that had an unnecessary number of inlets and outlets all working at different speeds and being turned on at random by some insane guy, or of some over-civilized monkey who had made it the mission of his life to first get drenched in oil and then desperately slip up a bamboo to try and reach the top. It seemed the sole purpose of learning so grand a subject was to analyze the abject austerity of life.

Physics was good and made sense, chemistry was a bit confusing. I could never understand how people had decided that A+B=C+D meant A and B when reacted would turn into C and D. It always seemed to me that the reverse should be equally possible. It turned out later that I was on the right track, but then of course, at that stage of life, all we got in response was “you’ll be taught in higher standards”. When people say that throughout your secondary school, you come to suspect that you’ll never actually learn it, people actually don’t know it, and they are just trying to cheat and defer you.

Among the sciences, what seemed interesting but hopelessly wrongly taught was life science or biology. Life science was always full of things that I had no interest in. They taught me about pea plants, which other than Gregor Mendel’s perversions never attracted my attention. Worse still, there was a fish which I ate daily, and other quaint creatures like the house-fly, mosquitoes, potatoes and lotus. If there was anything I was interested in, it was the human body. I wanted to know, firstly, how I was born (which I guess everybody is very eager to know to the finest possible detail at that age), then things like what was the use of me having hair on my body when I wore sweaters anyway, how my brain made decisions and stored stuff, and why cat’s eyes shine in torchlight but mine don’t. But no, they decided the right things to learn were ugly toads and pigeons (including lewd details of how tadpoles were born).

And there too, your most interesting questions were never answered. I wanted to know how is it that pigeons can remember their way home, while we, considered to be far more intelligent, would easily lose it. Nobody knew, and worse still, it was not considered important. They only seemed interested in cutting the bird open, and then concluding it had 6 or 8 lungs and hollow bones. It never occurred to them there could be interesting things to observe and think about without taking everything to the mortuary. There were wrong definitions in the outdated books, like blood being “the red coloured liquid which takes oxygen to …”. I knew numerous creatures who had no blood, and an equal number whose blood was not red. Somehow they were not important, and more amusingly, the definition seemed to be in a terrible hurry to say everything about what blood did, in case you got irritated and read no more.

And what I found most laughable were things called “write down the differences” in the books. There were sensible ones, like “respiration and breathing”, but much more of amusing ones like “peacock and peahen”, confusing ones like “neuron and nephron” (someone thought the alliteration was worth a question) and insane ones like “lotus and potato”. Sometimes there was so much to write that you couldn’t decide where to start, and sometimes there was so less to write that you started with points like “the brain is spelt b-r-a-i-n while the heart is spelt h-e…” and so on.

And then there were exams and marks. Somehow people who had the minimum curiosity and maximum efficiency in memorizing the nonsense did exceptionally well. And I would sit and gape, wondering when it all would get over. No way am I going back to that again!!!