Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Days of College

As our stint at IIT nears its final hours, lets spend a little time recollecting all the wisdom this great institution has infused into us over the brief period for which we were available to her as guinea pigs (pun fully intended). The following is a brief summary of what all we went through in the various courses. I am sure many will find comfort, and the less fortunate in terms of JEE selection might feel less deprived, while their parents might wonder what good the people's taxes did for the training of the "creme de la creme" of the Indian intelligentsia.

CHEMISTRY: (the subject where GAY Lussac made some name for himself)

1. Student: Sir I cant see what you are writing on the board
[Prof walks up to his place, and takes his prespective..]
Prof: Oh no no, it eej all right.. there must be something wrong with your ass (thats how some people say eyes)
Backdrop: How did you know?

2. Prof towards sleeping student: Eh you!! Yees yees you!! ...
[Student does not wake up despite prof's calling, clapping and banging of desks. Prof goes up and shakes him awake]
Student: Gaa??? Umm.. err... hhhh...
Prof: Eh whatte?? I am doing thisa thisa (clapping replay) then doing thisa thisa (banging replay) and you stilla sleepinga??

Epilogue: Is it surprising that nobody gets Ex in Chemistry?

PHYSICS: (I should mention here, despite idiosyncrasies, this was one of the best profs we had)

1. Prof: So you see, this is this and that is that and that is this and this is that... clear??

2. [Lab viva]
Prof: Define "diffraction"
Student: Light comes into a hole, and then (spreading out the fingers of his palm) whoooooosh!!

Epilogue: Never mind, even Feynman did not understand Quantum Mechanics

MATHS: (Oh the horror)

1. [ Prof draws a bunch of arrows on the board, then encloses it within a membrane.. and proud announcement...]
Prof: This is a vector space...

2. Prof: It is very sad that you people cannot do a line integration properly. You only have to parametrize the function along the curve and then....
Student: Sir actually each time we hear "curve" we tend to get distracted. Please don't use such tantalizing language in the papers...

Epilogue: And you thought engineers were good at math?

MECHANICS: ("joint" entrance examination, literally)

1. Prof: Did you see the cricket match yesterday? They did not use the correct batting order.. that guy should have come first, he can deliver greater impulse on the ball, and his angles are also good...

Epilogue: Practical applications are welcome. But overdoses might boomerang.

ELECTRICAL LAB: (the land of the flying lab reports)

[Student hands lab report to prof. Whooosh!!! It whizzes past his left ear. Student hands today's circuit diagram. Whooosh again!!! It flies past his right..]
Student (terrified): Is everything wrong sir?
Prof: Oh no no, they are correct. But you are not wearing your shoes.

Epilogue: The lab should bear a placard saying "Catch Practice in Progress" while in session

MANPRO: (English, re-defined)

1. [Test in progress. A beautiful girl (rare, I know) is writing her answers. A prof creeps up to her ear, and seems to be about to whisper, when he suddenly blares out..]
(Reflection - there are better ways of getting to know a girl's name)

2. [The GOD of Manpro lab explaining fitting..]
Prof: Theech eeej a cheeejelll.... now whai uze theech cheejelll and not thaaaaaat cheejelll????
Students: What the hell did he say?

3. [Viva in progress]
Prof: What is the name given to the extra space that is left in a mould to allow it to be knocked out of the cast?
Student (excited): Sir sir, raping allowance!!!
Prof: Correct...
(Reflection - Indian Laws are unusally harsh on such intellectually enlightening activities)

4. [Student reflects on his welding work]
Student: Yaar, lagta hai koi thuuk diya hai plate pe...

Epilogue: Its no wonder why mechanical engineers make the best investment bankers. Kudos to Chetan Bhagat for having shown the path to salvation.

PROGRAMMING: (the HEAP of confusion)

Prof: Yes that doubt..... you asked... you see when you write programs...... big programs..... or small programs....... in C.... or some other language...... then........ you see........ ok I'll come to that later
[Students start clapping. Prof joins in. The zip of his trousers is treacherously positioned]

Epilogue: Despite all this, placement stats indicate that IIT should be renamed "Indian Institute of Coding and some other hopeless practices"

ENGLISH: (why??? just why????)

Prof: I know many students consider me to be permanently pregnant, but you need not have mentioned that in the feedback sheets...

Epilogue: Going by a survey on lab grading styles, people should probably be taught Bengali at IIT Kharagpur instead of English

FINANCE: (there are some things that money cant buy. this experience testifies it)

1. Prof: There are two sides to Finance - the left side and the right side.

2. Prof: M-A-N-G-O. How many WORDS? 5!!!!!!

3. Student1: Why is there a "Dic" drawn on the board?
Student2: Look it points towards investment
Student3: And cash inflow
Student1: I did not register for adult education... this ERP server is doing something wrong...

4. Prof: So vaat is Global Financial Crisis in your opinion?
Student: There are people who are rich and people who are poor. The rich one day decided to get richer quickly. They ended up joining the poor.
Student: Correct. Jost loik that mubhee, "Judai".. have you seen? It has good FONDA...

5. Prof: Finance deals with MORKETS... there is some JORGON you should remember... and if you have excess money, put it in a BONK...

6. Prof: It eej aal about taking rishk. No GOATS, no GLORY. Chhimpal.
(Reflection - A united, standing "Baaa" for this Golden truth)

Epilogue: Very soon, I'll forget how to manage my pocket money.

{Henceforth stories concentrate on the ordeal faced at Electronics Department. The partiality may be kindly forgiven}

NETWORKS: (rediscovering mathematics)

1. Prof: Of course!!! Product of two matrices is a real number!!! Did you not know?
[2 sleeping students wake up, and shake themselves at this unexpected enlightenment. In the meantime Prof discreetly works out a little example in one corner of the board]
Prof: Oh.... it looks something like a matrix.... we had better put a determinant sign (that way what I said remains true)

2. Prof: You!!! What-what-what-what-whaaaaaaat?????? Talking in class!!!!! You PLEASE get out!!!! No no you PLEAAAAAASEEEEE get out!!!!

Epilogue: I still fail to surmise why this course was necessary

SEMICONDUCTORS: (the pinnacle of comedy)

1. Prof: If you make a FET, all I shall do is shine some light on it.... then I shall say its a crappy FET... you poor soul

2. Prof: Oh dont sleep.... we are all trying.. (what? not to fall asleep?)

3. Prof: One day, many years ago, a student fell off the tower during ragging and died. Thats why you should normalize your eigenvectors.
(Refection - If anybody knows what this crypt meant, please mail me)

4. Prof: [pointing at the band diagram of a MOSFET] - of course this is a diode!!!

5. Prof: You cannot translate "daridra narayan seva" to English, and you are telling me you cannot understand bipolar transistors?
Student: Poor Vishnu Service. Now for my answer...

6. Prof: Where is your khaata?????
Gujju: At State Bank of India sir..

Epilogue: Applications are open for someone... anyone.. who can teach us a LITTLE bit about devices.

COMMUNICATIONS: (guilt and confusion - the deadly duo)

1. Prof: You yignorant yellows.. i mean fellows... wasting your parents money and the sanctity of the IIT degree
(Reflection - the noble thoughts were brought to us by the time we were past redemption)

2. Prof: [Solves some equation, and comes up with an equation which solves out to give resistance on one side and voltage on the other]
Ohh.. I must have made a mistake somewhere
Student: Kaunsi nayee baat hai...

3. [Lab... test in progress.. student connects the circuit and hooks up the oscilloscope. A total dust storm emerges on the scope]
Prof: Aaaahhhh!! It ij coming!!!
Student: Whaa???... Oh well... sure...

Epilogue: One more career option down. And I have forgotten coding. Allah utha le!!!

SIGNALS: (wireless philanthropy, delivered)

1. Student: Why did we get such poor marks Sir?
Prof [assumes a sagely appearance]: You see it is a fact of life, some people do well and some dont. In your case it a bit skewed, but that is part of life as well...

2. Student: What is the reason behind that assumption?
Prof: In many cases we do things just to make life simple...

3. [Lab viva]
Prof: Why is there a bandage on your hand?
Hitman: I was angry. I punched an iron railing.
Prof: Gaaa???? Please dont do anything like that during the viva, I'll ask easy questions

Epilogue: LG. Life is good. Too good to be true.

ANALOG CIRCUITS: (the sonorous prof syndrome)

1. Prof: We are organizing a cricket match. The teams will be named NMOS and PMOS
(Reflection - PMOS might lose due to lesser mobility)

2. Prof: It is amazing. Some students have confused between the Gate and the Drain of a transistor.

3. Prof: You are like a noije in the class... can you please get out? See either you leave or I leave...

4. Prof: Yesh, but what about the sheegnal shweeng??

Epilogue: Prof was good, provided you sit within hearing range. Which is not much.

DIGITAL CIRCUITS: (fear unlimited)

1. Student: Sir should we mention the exact specifications for this circuit?
Prof: Ore baba... no no, just write a little, I'll give you marks

(To be continued)