Man and Horse

Just had a most illuminating discussion on how man came to the decision that a horse is surely the best character to be rode upon. I remember in school I read that when chemists were trying to find the best catalyst for some Haber / Contact / Non Contact process, they experimented with the rest of the periodic table (come to think of it now, that's rather dumb!!). So.. err.. lets imagine...

Man sits on tiger:

"Hey cmon...  aaaaaaaa time out time out NO BITING!!"

Man sits on deer instead:

"Oh my god antleeeeerrrrrsssssssssssss...."

Man sits on lion:

Lion: "You really did not learn your lesson with the tiger thing eh?"

Man sits on hedgehog:

"OUCH!! Anybody got bandage? M-seal would work too.."

Man sits on crocodile (huh! nice boat!):

"Super MEGA OUCH. Anybody got a spare hand?! How about Luke Skywalker?"

Man changes idea.

Man sits on Goat:

"OUCH again! Anybody got a spare goat?"

Man sits... on second thoughts, decides to forgo the pig.

Man sits on cow:

"Aaah! Bliss! Nice creature. No violence."
"Hmm. For that matter, no movement either"
"Oh cmon you've eaten like a barnful of grass since I climbed on! No I dont want any, thank you"
"Now that you have eaten all that grass, you want to bring it up and eat it AGAIN!! Thats plain sick I tell you!!"
"You blessed cow, you just have to go till there. THERE man!! Its right THERE!!"
"OK fine I'll walk"

"I could sit on a cow all day long and smoke a pipe but its not gonna get me anywhere. All for that grass. OH WAIT brainwave!! How about smoking grass??"

Man sits on dog:

"I would like to note a revision of public opinion. Dog is not always man's best friend. At moments of awkwardness, they can be vicious enemies too."

Man sits on donkey:

"Bloody ass."

And so man chances upon horse.

To err is human of course. So in the 19th century, more British cavalry force perished from the kicks of horses than at the battle front in action. Apparently this was the smoothest compromise we could hit upon.

The Days of College

As our stint at IIT nears its final hours, lets spend a little time recollecting all the wisdom this great institution has infused into us over the brief period for which we were available to her as guinea pigs (pun fully intended). The following is a brief summary of what all we went through in the various courses. I am sure many will find comfort, and the less fortunate in terms of JEE selection might feel less deprived, while their parents might wonder what good the people's taxes did for the training of the "creme de la creme" of the Indian intelligentsia.

CHEMISTRY: (the subject where GAY Lussac made some name for himself)

1. Student: Sir I cant see what you are writing on the board

[Prof walks up to his place, and takes his prespective..]

Prof: Oh no no, it eej all right.. there must be something wrong with your ass (thats how some people say eyes)

Backdrop: How did you know?

2. Prof towards sleeping student: Eh you!! Yees yees you!! ...

[Student does not wake up despite prof's calling, clapping and banging of desks. Prof goes up and shakes him awake]

Student: Gaa??? Umm.. err... hhhh...

Prof: Eh whatte?? I am doing thisa thisa (clapping replay) then doing thisa thisa (banging replay) and you stilla sleepinga??

Epilogue: Is it surprising that nobody gets Ex in Chemistry?

PHYSICS: (I should mention here, despite idiosyncrasies, this was one of the best profs we had)

1. Prof: So you see, this is this and that is that and that is this and this is that... clear??

2. [Lab viva]

Prof: Define "diffraction"

Student: Light comes into a hole, and then (spreading out the fingers of his palm) whoooooosh!!

Epilogue: Never mind, even Feynman did not understand Quantum Mechanics

MATHS: (Oh the horror)

1. [ Prof draws a bunch of arrows on the board, then encloses it within a membrane.. and proud announcement...]

Prof: This is a vector space...

2. Prof: It is very sad that you people cannot do a line integration properly. You only have to parametrize the function along the curve and then....

Student: Sir actually each time we hear "curve" we tend to get distracted. Please don't use such tantalizing language in the papers...

Epilogue: And you thought engineers were good at math?

MECHANICS: ("joint" entrance examination, literally)

1. Prof: Did you see the cricket match yesterday? They did not use the correct batting order.. that guy should have come first, he can deliver greater impulse on the ball, and his angles are also good...

Epilogue: Practical applications are welcome. But overdoses might boomerang.

ELECTRICAL LAB: (the land of the flying lab reports)

[Student hands lab report to prof. Whooosh!!! It whizzes past his left ear. Student hands today's circuit diagram. Whooosh again!!! It flies past his right..]

Student (terrified): Is everything wrong sir?

Prof: Oh no no, they are correct. But you are not wearing your shoes.

Epilogue: The lab should bear a placard saying "Catch Practice in Progress" while in session

MANPRO: (English, re-defined)

1. [Test in progress. A beautiful girl (rare, I know) is writing her answers. A prof creeps up to her ear, and seems to be about to whisper, when he suddenly blares out..]

Prof: WRITE YOUR NAME ON THE TOP OF THE ANSWER SHEET

(Reflection - there are better ways of getting to know a girl's name)

2. [The GOD of Manpro lab explaining fitting..]

Prof: Theech eeej a cheeejelll.... now whai uze theech cheejelll and not thaaaaaat cheejelll????

Students: What the hell did he say?

3. [Viva in progress]

Prof: What is the name given to the extra space that is left in a mould to allow it to be knocked out of the cast?

Student (excited): Sir sir, raping allowance!!!

Prof: Correct...

(Reflection - Indian Laws are unusally harsh on such intellectually enlightening activities)

4. [Student reflects on his welding work]

Student: Yaar, lagta hai koi thuuk diya hai plate pe...

Epilogue: Its no wonder why mechanical engineers make the best investment bankers. Kudos to Chetan Bhagat for having shown the path to salvation.

PROGRAMMING: (the HEAP of confusion)

Prof: Yes that doubt..... you asked... you see when you write programs...... big programs..... or small programs....... in C.... or some other language...... then........ you see........ ok I'll come to that later

[Students start clapping. Prof joins in. The zip of his trousers is treacherously positioned]

Epilogue: Despite all this, placement stats indicate that IIT should be renamed "Indian Institute of Coding and some other hopeless practices"

ENGLISH: (why??? just why????)

Prof: I know many students consider me to be permanently pregnant, but you need not have mentioned that in the feedback sheets...

Epilogue: Going by a survey on lab grading styles, people should probably be taught Bengali at IIT Kharagpur instead of English

FINANCE: (there are some things that money cant buy. this experience testifies it)

1. Prof: There are two sides to Finance - the left side and the right side.

2. Prof: M-A-N-G-O. How many WORDS? 5!!!!!!

3. Student1: Why is there a "Dic" drawn on the board?

Student2: Look it points towards investment

Student3: And cash inflow

Student1: I did not register for adult education... this ERP server is doing something wrong...

4. Prof: So vaat is Global Financial Crisis in your opinion?

Student: There are people who are rich and people who are poor. The rich one day decided to get richer quickly. They ended up joining the poor.

Student: Correct. Jost loik that mubhee, "Judai".. have you seen? It has good FONDA...

5. Prof: Finance deals with MORKETS... there is some JORGON you should remember... and if you have excess money, put it in a BONK...

6. Prof: It eej aal about taking rishk. No GOATS, no GLORY. Chhimpal.

(Reflection - A united, standing "Baaa" for this Golden truth)

Epilogue: Very soon, I'll forget how to manage my pocket money.

{Henceforth stories concentrate on the ordeal faced at Electronics Department. The partiality may be kindly forgiven}

NETWORKS: (rediscovering mathematics)

1. Prof: Of course!!! Product of two matrices is a real number!!! Did you not know?

[2 sleeping students wake up, and shake themselves at this unexpected enlightenment. In the meantime Prof discreetly works out a little example in one corner of the board]

Prof: Oh.... it looks something like a matrix.... we had better put a determinant sign (that way what I said remains true)

2. Prof: You!!! What-what-what-what-whaaaaaaat?????? Talking in class!!!!! You PLEASE get out!!!! No no you PLEAAAAAASEEEEE get out!!!!

Epilogue: I still fail to surmise why this course was necessary

SEMICONDUCTORS: (the pinnacle of comedy)

1. Prof: If you make a FET, all I shall do is shine some light on it.... then I shall say its a crappy FET... you poor soul

2. Prof: Oh dont sleep.... we are all trying.. (what? not to fall asleep?)

3. Prof: One day, many years ago, a student fell off the tower during ragging and died. Thats why you should normalize your eigenvectors.

(Refection - If anybody knows what this crypt meant, please mail me)

4. Prof: [pointing at the band diagram of a MOSFET] - of course this is a diode!!!

5. Prof: You cannot translate "daridra narayan seva" to English, and you are telling me you cannot understand bipolar transistors?

Student: Poor Vishnu Service. Now for my answer...

6. Prof: Where is your khaata?????

Gujju: At State Bank of India sir..

Epilogue: Applications are open for someone... anyone.. who can teach us a LITTLE bit about devices.

COMMUNICATIONS: (guilt and confusion - the deadly duo)

1. Prof: You yignorant yellows.. i mean fellows... wasting your parents money and the sanctity of the IIT degree

(Reflection - the noble thoughts were brought to us by the time we were past redemption)

2. Prof: [Solves some equation, and comes up with an equation which solves out to give resistance on one side and voltage on the other]

Ohh.. I must have made a mistake somewhere

Student: Kaunsi nayee baat hai...

3. [Lab... test in progress.. student connects the circuit and hooks up the oscilloscope. A total dust storm emerges on the scope]

Prof: Aaaahhhh!! It ij coming!!!

Student: Whaa???... Oh well... sure...

Epilogue: One more career option down. And I have forgotten coding. Allah utha le!!!

SIGNALS: (wireless philanthropy, delivered)

1. Student: Why did we get such poor marks Sir?

Prof [assumes a sagely appearance]: You see it is a fact of life, some people do well and some dont. In your case it a bit skewed, but that is part of life as well...

2. Student: What is the reason behind that assumption?

Prof: In many cases we do things just to make life simple...

3. [Lab viva]

Prof: Why is there a bandage on your hand?

Hitman: I was angry. I punched an iron railing.

Prof: Gaaa???? Please dont do anything like that during the viva, I'll ask easy questions

Epilogue: LG. Life is good. Too good to be true.

ANALOG CIRCUITS: (the sonorous prof syndrome)

1. Prof: We are organizing a cricket match. The teams will be named NMOS and PMOS

(Reflection - PMOS might lose due to lesser mobility)

2. Prof: It is amazing. Some students have confused between the Gate and the Drain of a transistor.

3. Prof: You are like a noije in the class... can you please get out? See either you leave or I leave...

4. Prof: Yesh, but what about the sheegnal shweeng??

Epilogue: Prof was good, provided you sit within hearing range. Which is not much.

DIGITAL CIRCUITS: (fear unlimited)

1. Student: Sir should we mention the exact specifications for this circuit?

Prof: Ore baba... no no, just write a little, I'll give you marks

(To be continued)

First Post - Gtalk Sts Msgs :)

Well, would like to kick off with something simple and humorous. So here goes, a collection of 60 Gtalk status messages that really caught my eye over more than 2 years. Plus one extra, about ourselves :D Enjoy!!!

1. Loneliness is not about being alone... it is about being surrounded by people who do not care about you...

2. In God we trust, all others must pay cash !!!

3. Why do ppl deliver msgs they themselves cant make head or tail of?

4. It is your attitude and not your aptitute that decides your altitude.

5. God gives and forgives... we get and forget...

6. If 2 wrongs dont make a right, try a third

7. Law of entropy - everything in nature tends towards randomness. Thats why my room looks like this

8. There are 10 types of people, those who know binary and those who dont

9. To bug is human, to debug is divine

10. Do you think a dolphin has a porpoise in life?

11. Dr. Kalam's dream has come true - "India will be a superpower in 20-20" (cricket)

12. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere is that they did not try to contact us

13. Where there is a will, there are five hundred relatives

14. A computer once beat me at chess, but soon realized that it is no match at kickboxing!!

15. I swear to drunk I am not God...

16. We are all born Cold, Wet and Hungry... then things get worse

17. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired...

18. Maine der raat tak neend ka intezaar kiya; fir bhi nahi aayi to main so gaya...

19. Said Hamlet to Ophelia: I shall draw a sketch of thee... What pencil should I use? 2B or not 2B??

20. I love to walk in the rain.. because then nobody realizes that I am crying...

21. My mother-in-law started walking 5 miles a day when she was 35... she is 45 now and we dont know where she is...

22. When I was born I was so surprised that I did not talk for a year..

23. If at first attempt you do not succeed, skydiving is (was) not for you..

24. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening, carcinogenic or married to someone else

25. A girl called me today and said "C'mon over.. there's nobody home". I went. She was right. There was nobody home.

26. Who says there is no shortcut to success? I have one on my desktop.

27. Keyboard not Found. Press F1 to resume.

28. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.. God knows what they did up there, for they came back with a daughter!!

29. Cats at rest tend to remain at rest, while cats in motion tend to cross the highway just as you are about to pass...

30. Love is the irresistable desire to be desired irresistably!

31. If everything is coming your way, you must be in the wrong lane

32. Light travels faster than sound. That is why people appear to be bright until you hear them speak

33. My brain is a masterpiece. In the left half nothing is right and in the right half nothing is left.

34. Death smiles at everyone. The best we can do is to smile back

35. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway...

36. Syllabus should be like a mini-skirt.. taaki bacchon ka interest bhi bana rahe aur zaroori cheezein cover bhi ho jaye!!

37. Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying..... "I will try again tomorrow."

38. When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world shall know peace

39. When I was little I prayed each night for a bicycle. Then I realized that God does not work that way, so I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness

40. The world is a tragedy to those who feel and a comedy to those who think

41. Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate

42. If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit

43. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

44. Imperfection is perfectly perfect

45. The longest time your shadow is your companion is for 6 months. Dont expect better of anyone

46. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me

47. Bruce Lee was a great man, but when his sister had a child, he became mamu-lee

48. I know know kung-fu, karate and 47 other dangerous words

49. Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

50. An electron is a smart girlfriend. When you look at her she is always there, but when you dont, she could be anywhere!

51. Lets put a shine on that semiconductor

52. Love involves 2 vowels, 2 consonants and 2 fools

53. I thought that the brain was the most wonderful organ in the body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

54. When you have to decide between things in life, toss a coin. While the coin is in the air, you'll realize what you truly want.

55. At any party there are 2 kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who dont. Problem is that they are usually married to each other.

56. To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

57. Of course I am in shape. Round is also a shape for God's sake.

58. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

59. Sometimes things go so horribly bad, that you cant help but smile

60. Wisdom hurts. At least the tooth certainly does.

And the last....

61. IIT-ans and rockets have one thing in common. Neither of them work until their asses are on fire.

PS: Sincere thanks to all those who put these up in their profiles. A word of advice:

"All the wonderful status messages are classic examples of misdirected creative instincts" :D :P